


come home (the fight for you is all I've ever known)

by Enochianess



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Deserves Better, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon Compliant, Coda, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-16 02:08:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18681973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enochianess/pseuds/Enochianess
Summary: Walking through Brooklyn now feels a bit like walking through a graveyard for Bucky. All he sees everywhere he goes is... loss. The things he's lost. The places he's lost. The people he's lost. The home he's lost.or: Bucky tries to come to terms with his new Steve-less reality.





	come home (the fight for you is all I've ever known)

Walking through Brooklyn now feels a bit like walking through a graveyard for Bucky. All he sees everywhere he goes is... loss. The things he's lost. The places he's lost. The people he's lost. The  _home_ he's lost.

He knows that maybe he'd be better off finding some place else to live, somewhere new, somewhere he could get a fresh start, but he doesn't want those things, not really. What Bucky wants more than anything is to go back, but he can't do that, so coming to Brooklyn had been the closest thing. Really, it feels like a slow torture, but he doesn't know what else to do. Nothing in this new world of his, this future, is familiar. There had been... but he's gone now, and Bucky is alone. He has Sam, sure, but it's not the same. It will never be the same.

He comes to a stop in front of an apartment complex where Steve and he once lived. It's much taller than the old building, much cleaner. Bucky hates it.

He nods to the kid sitting on the curb, who greets him with an easy, "Mornin' Mister," and heads up to his apartment. Sam had said it was a bad idea - living in the past, not letting go - but Bucky has never been one for listening to reason, especially when it comes to dealing with his 'issues'. He's a stubborn bastard - even he can admit that. Maybe trying to create his home in the very same place as his old home is a mistake. Bucky can't find it in him to care.

He locks the door behind him once he's inside and throws the keys into the dish on the side table. He takes his jacket off and places it on the armchair before throwing himself none-too-gently onto the couch, his hands reaching up to cover his face as he begins to shake with silent sobs. It's the first day he's managed his walk around the neighborhood without having a panic attack. Sam would call it a success, but it just seems to tear open the gaping hole in his chest even wider. What if it means he's forgetting? He  _can't_ let himself forget,  _won't_ let himself forget.

For as long as Bucky can remember, his life has revolved around one thing, one  _person,_ and now his Stevie is gone and Bucky finds himself abandoned in this world that he never should have been alive to see. If he wasn't still so heartbroken, he might have been able to find it in himself to be angry, but as it is, he just... hurts.

He should have known that something like this would happen. Everything else Bucky cares about, or cared about, has been taken away from him, so why not Steve too? Some part of him wonders if he deserves better, but then he remembers all that he's done, and he remembers that the world has never really cared much for what he deserves. Bucky Barnes doesn't get a happy ending... that's the only thing Bucky is sure is written and signed by the fates.

_So melodramatic,_ he can practically hear Steve say to him. 

Bucky gives himself another moment to blubber into his hands, then he wipes fiercely at his cheeks and sits up. He looks around at his small apartment and sighs. This is it now. This is his life.

He will live in this small apartment and make it a home. He has Sam and Shuri and T'Challa. He has the rest of the Avengers. He has his work: fighting the good fight, when he's needed. Hopefully, one day it will all feel less hollow.

The problem is that at the moment, he's still waiting. He's waiting for Steve to walk through that door and say, "Hey, pal. You miss me?"

_Til the end of the line, it was supposed to be,_ Bucky thinks bitterly.

The thing is, Bucky can't be angry with Steve. He went out and got the life he's always wanted. God knows he deserved it after everything he'd been through, after everything that  _Bucky_ put him through. Bucky had always just been his best friend, his sidekick and brother-in-arms. It's not Steve's fault that to Bucky, Steve had always been so much more than that.

Bucky loved him.  _Loves_ him... those feelings will never fade, not for him.

Bucky had never really cared all that much that Steve didn't love him back because it had never felt like a possibility anyway. Steve was the epitome good and Bucky... well, he was the opposite, wasn't he? He wasn't  _worthy._

Still, it's like a sucker punch to the gut to know that he really doesn't stand a chance anymore. He had always held out that little sliver of hope, and he didn't know how much he'd been clinging to it, to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, Steve loved him back as more than just his friend, his brother. Now, it's pretty clear though, and Bucky feels broken and adrift.

"It'll get easier," Sam and Shuri always tell him on the phone.

Bucky doesn't know if that's true. Part of him wishes desperately for a break from the pain, but he's not ready to move on, so a much larger part of him clings to that pain desperately, as if it could bring his Steve back.

_He's happy,_ Bucky reminds himself over and over.  _He got what he wanted._

There's always a niggling thought at the back of his mind though:  _What about what I wanted?_

He knows that he's strong enough to get through this, to find some semblance of normalcy back. He knows he's more than his love for Steve. It's just... his whole life has been about Steve and he doesn't really know who he is without him. He's scared that without Steve, without his presence and his goodness, he will revert back to the Winter Soldier. Part of him longs for that side of himself, if he's being honest with himself. Not the murder or the mind-control or any of that brutal bullshit, but... the lack of emotions... he could really do with that right about now.

He knows it's not what Steve would want for him, and that is enough for him to shake the thoughts off and get off the couch. 

He can do this. He can take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, if that's what it takes to keep going forward.

Steve got to live his happy ending. Now, it's time for Bucky to figure out his own.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [tumblr](http://enochianess.tumblr.com) and on [twitter](http://twitter.com/buckyandsteeb)
> 
> If you liked it, please leave kudos or comments!


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